Devils Drop Two Straight, Face Rangers at the Garden Tonight

With two straight losses against the Canucks and the Lightning, the Devils have dropped from fourth to sixth place in the Eastern Conference standings at 74 points.  With the addition of defenseman Marek Zidlicky, it's time to bounce back from those losses as we go to the Garden tonight to face the number one seeded Rangers (still hurts to say that).  Both teams are 6-3-1 in their last ten games, with the Rags coming off a rebound win against the Sabres.  I thought New York would fall off the face of the earth like they usually do this time of year, but they seem to be the most consistent team in the East this year (I hate to admit it).  It is the fourth of six meetings with the cross-Hudson rivals, with the Devils winning the last two.  Marty had his only shutout against them on February 7th when the Rangers goal was disallowed with 3.5 seconds left because of goalie interference by Marian Gaborik (great call).

Brodeur looks forward to the matchup tonight at the Garden, saying that the Devils need to “just continue to work hard, play with a little emotion - that shouldn’t be hard playing against the Rangers to try to get that level up. But I think we have to try to do that a little more consistently if we don’t wanna go up and down here for the rest of the way.” Marty hasn't started two days in a row all season but most likely will get the nod after going 9-0-1 in his last ten road games.


That record and the Devils 7-game road wins streak is a reminder that the they simply haven't been able to win at home. It's going to take a miracle for us to catch the Rangers for the Atlantic Division title (hurts so much to say), but we can take a big step tonight with a win. If we can't catch them in the remaining 21 games, the best we can do is fourth, which is still not going to be easy with the fucking Flyers and Penguins right in the mix. Let's make a run boys. And fuck the Rangers.

My Prediction: 2-1 Devils

Pete Weber For President

I know this was already posted on Barstool, but I have to give it some love too.  Pete Weber is the most boss bowler ever and this was the greatest celebration ever.  So intense.  Look at the look on Weber's wife's face.  Even she is terrified of what he'll do next.  Get this guy his own tv show stat.  Just yelling nonsense about himself doing DX crotch chops like it's his job.

 "Who do you think you are!? I AM! "

I've got two words for you: DAMNIT RIGHT!

T.O. Makes IFL Debut in Front of Sold Out Crowd...Just Kidding, There Were Only 5,700 Fans There

The last time Terrell Owens scored three touchdowns in a professional football game was five years ago in a nationally-televised game played in front of 63,000 fans at sold-out Texas Stadium. In his return to the sport on Saturday night, the former NFL star matched that scoring feat on a much smaller scale.  The Dallas Cowboys star on his helmet was replaced with a curly W. The opposing team wasn't the hated Washington Redskins, but the alliterative Wichita Wild. And when T.O. celebrated in the end zone three times, he did it in front of 5,700 fans and a few hundred empty seats at the Allen Events Center.  T.O. made his Indoor Football League debut for the Allen Wranglers this weekend, catching three passes, all for touchdowns, in his first professional arena game. Though he was a drawing card for the team -- the 5,711 fans in attendance were said to be more than the team had for their entire home schedule last year -- the lack of sell-out must have been disconcerting for a team that had hoped to make Owens the must-see ticket in town.  Catching passes from a quarterback making $225 per game (and $25 more for a victory), Owens looked at ease on the small, indoor field. He didn't catch a pass in the second half, but the three first-half TDs were enough to earn him player of the game honors.

I used to hate T.O. because I'm a Giants fan and he played for the Eagles and Cowboys, but I almost feel bad for the guy now.  It's kinda just sad.  He went from being a receiver in the NFL to a receiver for a team he owns in the IFL, playing in front of crazy crowds of 5, 700 people.  It's not even the AFL, and he couldn't even help sell the place out.  At least he won player of the game right?  Go Wranglers!

The Dunk Contest Was a Snoozer

All I know about this year's dunk contest is that some dude named the Human Pogo Stick won it.  I didn't even realize it was over when announced the winner.  Why was there only one round? Pretty much the most anticlimactic dunk contest I've ever seen.  Jeremy Evans got a whopping 29% of the fans' votes to win it, even though I don't think any of them really deserved to win.  Every contestant jumped over something, whether it was P. Diddy, Roy Hibbert, a motorcycle or that midget Kevin Hart.  Chase Budinger never had a chance, white guys in the dunk contest are always a lost cause.  Unless your name is Brent Barry and you're dunking from the foul line with your warmups still on, stay home Chase.

And you didn't fool anyone with that blindfolded dunk either dude.  We all know you missed the first one on purpose and could see the whole time.  Hey Chase, thanks for the worst dunks of the night and proving that white men can't jump.

Derrick Williams' best dunk was the 360 from Ricky Rubio off the side of the backboard, but he didn't help himself by taking about 15 attempts for his third dunk.

Cool entrance bro.

Paul George must've blown out his nutsack on Roy Hibbert's head when he tried jumping over him on his first dunk.  Maybe that's why he had to slap the Larry Bird sticker on the backboard five times before he made it.  The glow in the dark dunk was a cool i guess.

Jeremy Evans' first dunk with the camera was pretty awful and the Karl Malone tribute was nice but jumping over 5 foot tall Kevin Hart isn't that impressive.  His second dunk where he jumped over Gordon Hayward and dunked two balls was clearly the best dunk of the night since it's never been done before.  Nothing crazy but it definitely involved a lot of skill and no one has seen it before.  I guess somebody had to win right?

The greatest slam dunk contest performance ever.

The greatest battle in a slam dunk contest.

On a side note, Anthony Morrow rocking the throwback Drazen Petrovic jersey in the 3 point shootout was a baller move.

                   

Ben and Jerry's Removes Fortune Cookies From Linsanity Ice Cream

Ben & Jerry's will take fortune cookies out of its new Jeremy Lin-inspired ice cream flavor after hearing complaints that the ingredient was racist.  The limited-edition flavor, "Taste the Lin-Sanity," originally featured vanilla frozen yogurt, honey swirls and bits of fortune cookies, the latter ingredient serving as an obvious nod to Lin's heritage. After the backlash, the company pulled the cookies from the mix and replaced them with waffle cone pieces that will be served on the side.

What a bunch of bitches over at Ben and Jerry's huh? Just caving when a couple people complain about fortune cookies in their Jeremy Lin ice cream.  People are too sensitive nowadays.  Put some lo mein in there.  Put some General Tso's in there.  Put an egg roll in there.  Who gives a fuck. It's not racist and Ben and Jerry's was not being racist.  They were honoring his Chinese heritage, not insulting it.  


The is just days after the Asian American Journalists Association released media guidelines about covering Jeremy Lin. They asked: "Is there a compelling reason to draw a connection between Lin and fortune cookies, takeout boxes or similar imagery?" "In the majority of news coverage, the answer will be no." Newsflash: selling ice cream is not news coverage.  If you don't like it, don't buy it.  Doesn't Ben and Jerry's have an ice cream called "Schweddy Balls?" People seem to love that.  And "Half Baked?" Who doesn't like Half Baked?  Everyone's a stoner and they don't even know it.   Give me fortune cookies in my Jeremy Lin ice cream, or it's not Jeremy Lin ice cream.   Good day.

P.S. Maybe think about adding some cookie dough to that Linsanity ice cream?  Just sayin.

Buzz Williams Has Balls

I don't even know where Marquette is but I know that I fucking love their basketball coach Buzz Williams.  I was actually watching this game live when Marquette came back to win at West Virginia  and Buzz did this little two-step right in front of the West Virginia student section.  Not only did they come in and beat West Virginia on their home court with 4 suspended players, they pretty much ended the Mountaineers chance of getting in the tournament.  On top of that, the reason why those WV students were so heated was because Buzz was dancing to their official song, John Denver's "Country Roads."

Pure swag from Buzz.  Just dancing to their song right on their logo at center court right after essentially ending West Virginia's season.  Three birds with one stone.  Plus his name is Buzz which is pretty badass. He can't move like Victor Cruz though.

All this dancing reminds me of this video...

Devils Look To Continue Hot Streak vs. Canucks Tonight

The Devils are 9-1-1 since the All-star break and 23-8-3 in their last 34 games.  We're on fire right now, but we need to stop blowing leads and giving up late goals.  They got saved by Mark Fayne's goal in overtime in the last game after letting the Leafs score with less than a minute in the 3rd to tie it up and force OT.  We've allowed the first goal in the 3rd period for three straight games.  We're getting bailed out by our 14-4 overtime and shootout record.  Yes, we are winning games.  But, it's 5 on 5 overtime in the playoffs and there's no shootouts, so we really need to start winning games in regulation to prepare for the postseason.  Does this mean we need to make a trade at the deadline to bolster our D? Maybe, but it won't be Zach Parise on the move according to GM Lou Lamoriello.  I'm happy about that, I really like Parise and hope that we can lock him up to be a career Devil.  But, even the players realize that we may need a bigger body on the blue line with Henrik Tallinder still injured.

Patrik Elias said that the Devils need to get "maybe a little bit bigger in the back," and Marty agrees with that notion, saying that "a defenseman would be a luxury, to add depth and size."  The Marek Zidlicky situation is still up in the air, so I wouldn't be surprised if Lou makes a move.  Even with Travis Zajac out, we could always use another center too.

 We get Adam Larsson back tonite against the Canucks, who leads Devils defenseman with 16 points,  after missing nine straight games with a back injury.  Tonight is a big game.  The Canucks are just as hot as the Devils right now, with both teams going 8-1-1 in their last ten games.  Not only that, the Canucks are coming off a huge win at Detroit last night, breaking the longest home winning streak in league history.  This is a chance for the Devils to prove they can make some noise by beating the 2nd best team in the league right now, and also stick it to Canada.  I'm going to say 3-2 Devs.

Are you guys gonna make out?

On a side note, the Devils are only 7 points behind the division and Eastern conference leading Rangers (wow that hurts to say).  There's three meetings left between the teams, starting Monday at Madison Square Garden.  Watch your back New York, Jersey is coming for you.

When Are You Going to Pick Me Up?

Naked Man Walks into Walmart to Steal Socks

A southeastern Pennsylvania man is behind bars after police say he walked naked into a Philadelphia-area Walmart and stole a pair of socks.  Verdon Lamont Taylor, 32, was arrested Wednesday night after police say he stripped off his clothes in the parking lot of the Exton store and went inside.  Police told local media outlets that surveillance footage shows the 6-foot-4, 300-pound Downingtown man walking around the store wearing nothing but a pair of socks he had stolen there.The video also shows shoppers avoiding Taylor.  Authorities say they used a stun gun to subdue Taylor after he refused to comply with officers' orders and spat in an officer’s face.


Ah, Pennsylvania.  The land of hicks and wandering 300 lb naked black men.  This guy had to be high off his ass on something.  I going to guess whippets.  I know my fat lesbian friend Pam sure likes them and he would probably do something like this after a good wiff of nitrous.  I can't hate on this guy's choice to steal socks though. Socks are the best thing Walmart sells.  I get all my socks there, except I usually keep my fucking clothes on.


If Demi Moore can't resist the whippets, then how can we expect Verdon Lamont Taylor to do so?

Damn You Auto Correct

I don't have an iphone, but my sister does so I'm familiar with how they autocorrect text messages, creating some pretty awkward situations.  Here are the top 25 entries from damnyouautocorrect.com. Enjoy.

25. Special Delivery

Nothin like a good old box of Girl Scout Pussies. I usually wash them down with a nice glass of milk.

24. New Paint Color

I'm glad I don't live with Jason. Period red is my least favorite color.

23. The Secret Ingredient

Isn't this the key to any good recipe? Just add 4 tbsp of vaginal extract and you're golden.

22. Uncle Dick

How appropriate is it that the uncle's name is "Uncle Dick" in this exchange? Literally couldn't work any better. On a serious note, how do you get the nickname Dick from the name Richard? I've always wondered what the hell that's all about.

21. So Very Wrong

I love how Charlie reacts to this. He gets real. He has a legitimate reason to think that his girlfriend has a poop fetish. "If you're trying to be cute or funny it's not working." That's gold. I would react the same way. There's literally nothing funny about your girlfriend sleeping with a shit you dropped in the toilet. Crisis avoided, Charlie. Breath easy Bro Montana.

20. Bad Day

I don't have manboobs so I don't have much to say about them other than that I'm very happy not to have them.  But, here is a website solely dedicated to man boobs for all the enthusiasts out there.   Marvelous Man Boobs


19. The Concert

I'm with Jimmy's friend here. I would much rather go to a kinky fuck party than a stupid Linkin Park concert. That's so 2003.  Kinky fuck parties are all the rage now.

18. Coming Out

I'd be pretty pissed if my mom ever had a "hunch" that I was gay.  And it's funny that this kid's mom thought it was completely acceptable that her son came out of the closet to her via text message.  Now that's unconditional love right there.  She's totally lying about his father though, he'd definitely be pissed.

17. First Kiss

Cameltoe = disgusting = I don't want to know what your snatch looks like through your clothes. 

16. Worst Possible Thing To Text To Mom

I'd like to know how this kid's Mom actually reacted to this.  The caption says it all: The Worst Possible Thing to Text Mom.  Shaved pork sounds tasty though.

15. New iPhone Feature

Imagine if there was an app called 'Cockslap".  One of your friends pisses you off and you just virtually cockslap them.  That'd be a money app. Boom goes the dynamite.

14. You’ve Got Mail

Who cares about your new black Pumas. You got a new penis? And it's black?  Now that's intriguing.

13. Now That’s A Bad Date

Suppose if she did order the lobster and filet mignon at dinner.  Does he still kiss the gold-digging whore?  That's why you gotta stick to fast food joints bro.

12. Unfortunate Accident

Must be be an awfully tight butthole.

11. Dinner For One

I wouldn't know how to respond either if my dad texted that to me but this kid takes it in stride.  But, I think what he says back to his dad actually makes this exchange funny.  Just trying to make the best of a situation, however weird it is.  Have fun eating Mom's box, guess I'm going to Taco Bell.

10. First Date

Slow down bro.  You don't need to jump off a bridge.  Screw her dimples and get right down to business.  Just be forward and don't beat around the bush.  You know you want to see her big beautiful nipples so just go for it man. Can't live life with these regrets.  If she doesn't want to show you her nipples on the 2nd date then it's on to the next one. Jay-Z would approve.

9. The Accident

What did he expect to happen while drinking a cock? He acted so surprised by the outcome.

8. We Need To Talk

Poor Jason.  He goes from definitely getting it in with Jenna to getting dumped in 0.5 seconds all because of autocorrect.  On to the next one bro.

7. Promotional Kitten Basket

I actually don't really find this funny.  Probably because it was a conversation between two girls.

6. Best Dad Ever

This Dad really wants his daughter to be a muff diver huh?  He's right though, men are dicks.  Sorry I'm not sorry.

5. Prom Dress

My prom dress was dark Fuckweasel.  This girl messed up BIG TIME, everyone wears fuchsia.  Way to blend in on the biggest day of your life.

4. Sticky Situation

Cum in your hair is the worst.

3. The Loan

I'd take that $300 and buy apple sauce with it anyway. Dude, you NEED apple sauce, not a dumb house.

2. Thanksgiving Prep Work

Saying "bad visual" doesn't help this situation at all.  It only puts the visual in your head.  It's kinda like after the first time you watch 2 Girls 1 Cup.  You're scarred (or aroused for some strange reason).

1. Apologies

What an asshole, I wanted that waffle. That kid definitely didn't get it in on the first date either with that "you never know" attitude. Have confidence in your dick dude.