Public Service Announcement: Your and You're

I am by no means the grammar police, but somebody has to do this.  Too many people are mixing up the usage of "your" and "you're" with no regard for humanity.  We learned this in middle school, people.  Here is a refresher for about 75% of the population who has forgotten the difference between the two words  If this offends you, grow up.

You're = You are

Example: You're an idiot.

Your = belonging to or associated with

Example: Your grammar is terrible.

If it's still not clicking for you, here's a step by step guide.

Your welcome. 

JOKE!

A little nap on your lunch break never hurts

It's Tuesday, so I'm already mentally checked-out from work for the week.  I've already had three cups of coffee.  But, for some reason I'm still tired.  Or, let's say hypothetically that I was drinking last night and I'm hungover. What's my solution?  Take a nap.  Yes, take naps at work, I highly recommend it.  I'm not saying you should do this everyday.  But if you're tired, it makes perfect sense.  What's the alternative?  Try to stay awake for the rest of the day?  Eff that.  Taking a nap in the middle of the day is a great thing:  you'll be more productive and in a better mood.  It's science.  

I know what you're thinking...

"I could never do that"

"Napping is frowned upon at work"

"Where would I even nap?"

Shut up and stop being high maintenance. 

Unless you have your own office, your car is a perfectly good napping haven.  Park it in the back corner of your parking lot, out of sight.  Set your alarm, put on some low, soothing music, recline your seat, throw on your sunglasses and close your eyes.  You're not here to take a 2 hour nap. I'm talking half hour type deal, you do have to go back to work, after all.  It just enough time to recharge your batteries for the afternoon.

DISCLAIMER:  5 out 10 times I actually end up being more tired because I really needed a two hour nap, but i'll take those odds.  

Sometimes I really wish I had the George Costanza set up...

via GIPHY

I am not good at using a microwave

I can never get food to be the right temperature when I put it in the microwave.  Seriously, every time.  Does anyone else have this problem?  I had to reheat my leftovers tonight three times.  What am I doing wrong?

Microwave are such assholes.  Your food is always either too hot or too cold, there is no happy medium. It starts making that popping noise like it's about to explode, so you turn it off thinking your food MUST be done, right?  Wrong.  The plate/bowl is so hot you can't even touch it, but your food is still ice cold.  So frustrating!  Then, you overcompensate for how cold your food is when you turn it back on and end up burning it.  If someone can teach me, a 26-year old adult, how to use the microwave, that'd be great.

Also, if you ever come over my house and use the microwave, don't smell the inside of it.  Don't say I didn't warn you. You're welcome.

Should Patrik Elias retire?

With the Devils season now over, Patrik Elias has a decision to make.  Should he retire, or try and come back for one more season?

Just read this, Elias is reconsidering his future after a nice little return for the last three games of the year.  Does that mean that he planned on retiring? I think all of us Devils fans were thinking this was going to be his last year.  He turns 40 this Wednesday and only played 16 games this year.  I'm torn.

I believe that if a player thinks he still has gas left in the tank, go for it. The question is, does he actually have anything left in the tank, and if so, does he fit in the Devils' future? If he does try and come back next year, there is no promise that it would be with New Jersey. The Devils are in the process of rebuilding and are trying to get younger, not older.  He's no better than a 3rd line player these days and he would have to take a big pay cut to remain a Devil.  Could he even stay healthy for a full season?

I would say it all depends on what the Devils plan on doing this offseason.  Young guys like Boucher and Blandisi have proved that they can be full-time NHL players.  Pavel Zacha and newly-signed Miles Wood will have a good chance of making the team next year.  Mike Sislo had a big year for Albany and will challenge for a full-time spot in the lineup next year.  The Devante Smith-Pelly trade is looking better and better everyday.  For the first time in a long-time, the Devils have some good, young talent in the pipeline.  This doesn't even include any potential moves/signings that Ray Shero makes in the off-season.

Where does that leave Elias?  He's not going to stick around to play on the 4th line.  That wouldn't be fair either way. It's similar to Brodeur in his last season.  You don't want to see a Devils legend leave and play for another team.  I never want to see Elias wear another NHL sweater, the same way I never wanted Brodeur to leave. But, you don't want to hold onto him just for nostalgic reasons and end up disrupting both the present and future of the team.

If Patrik Elias wants to return next year, he should.  If you were in his shoes and have a chance to play professional hockey for even one more year, do it.  Look at Jagr, he's having the time of his life and says he'll play til he's 50.  If you can still play, then play.  If the Devils decide that they don't want to sign Elias, I don't blame them.  I can see how he doesn't fit into their future.  And if Elias decides he wants to test free agency and try to play one more year with another team, no hard feelings.  

Regardless if he retires or not, his #26 jersey will be the next one retired and hanging at the Prudential Center.  

Nick Swisher is back!

Welcome home Swish!

OK, it's a minor league deal, but whatever.  I love the move.

Yeah, he's 35. Yeah, he's had surgeries on both knees.  Yeah, he probably can't hit for shit anymore.  Yeah, he hasn't had a decent season since he left the Yankees in 2012.

BUT

There is familiarity with the franchise, he's played in New York before and was a member of the 2009 World Series team. He's a veteran guy who will bring a good clubhouse presence. He's a great interview, he likes to have fun and is always smiling.  Most importantly, the guy has great sideburns.  He's kind of the class clown, so even if he sucks, at least he'll still be entertaining. 

OK, maybe I am getting too excited.  It's just a minor league deal, so who knows when or even if he'll sniff the Yankees big league lineup. But, he is a solid insurance policy. He could serve a purpose as a more consistent backup to Teixeira at first base with Ackley struggling defensively early in the season.  Girardi has stated that he wants to give Teixeira as much rest as possible to keep him healthy throughout the season.  Swisher could be that guy, if he can hit.  

P.S. Nick Swisher is your friend who can't take a normal picture.

I want Tiger Woods to be good at golf again

It's Masters week, which makes for the best weekend in golf. The young guns like Jordan Spieth and Rory McIlroy are currently dominating the sport.  It's a rivalry that's going to be really fun to watch for years to come.  But, golf isn't the same for me without Tiger Woods playing.  Even when he has played and sucked the past couple years, you can't keep your eyes off of him when he's on the course.  Everything he does is mesmerizing for some reason. He's the main draw for golf fans whether they want to admit it or not.  Numbers don't lie, look at the ratings for the first round of the Masters with him not playing this year.  Plain and simple, he puts asses in the seats.  

Yes, Tiger made many personal mistakes.  He lied to and cheated on his wife multiple times.  It became a national story and he became the butt of every joke:

Men laughed and women were outraged. Blah blah blah.  His wife is a life-long gold-digger anyway (cue sexism).  But, I digress. I'm not here to talk about ethics and morality.  I'm here to talk about my entertainment purposes as a golf fan.

I'm talking about Tiger Woods the golfer, not the cheating, stripper-loving, Ambien sex-freak Tiger.  I'm pulling hard for him to be good again.  He was so dominant when I was growing up. He changed golf, he made it cool.  He made people below the age of 40 interested in the sport. I bought a fucking golf video game because of him.  A video game!  Who ever thought that would even exist?

He gave us shots like this:

Commercials like this:

Inspired Dave Chappelle like this:

Freaked out like this:

And sent text messages like this:

Tiger: Because I’m blasian

He's 40 now, which is certainly not too old to make a comeback. Especially in golf. Jack Nicklaus won the Masters at age 46.  He has time to be relevant again, if he can stay healthy.  That's the big question mark, and that has proven to be a big "if".

Here's my advice for Tiger:  go get married again and just start having more affairs.  That's when he was most relaxed and playing his best.  That is clearly his comfort zone. I don't care about his moral compass. Do it for us golf fans, Tiger.

The most stereotypical Tinder profiles

"I'll never use Tinder or any online dating app."
- me like 3 years ago

I never thought I'd use one of these apps, but here I am navigating the weird world of Tinder.

As per usual on this blog, let's first get the top Urban Dictionary definition:

TOP DEFINITION

   

Tinder

Dating app. Tinder is the McDonalds for sex.

Nah, she's not my girlfriend, she's just a Tinder.

Now that you are aware of exactly what Tinder is, let's discuss.  There is way less of a stigma on online dating these days, it really is normal for people to use it, or at least try it.  If you're single, I honestly don't know why you wouldn't give it a shot.  It's the definition of playing the field and "seeing what's out there."  

** SPOILER ALERT **

Let's get right to it. Let's be honest with ourselves here: most Tinder swiping is done on the toilet. Super romantic, right?  If you have any expectations, you're doing it wrong.  And, you'll most likely be disappointed.  Don't expect to find love, don't expect to find your stupid "bae".  Expect to have really strange and awkward conversations with people you will most likely never end up meeting in person.  

 Newsflash ladies, this is every guy on Tinder:

Don't get mad, someone had to break the news to you.  You really just need to find the humor in it.  When you do stop and read a girl's profile, you definitely notice a few patterns.  The stereotypes are true whether you like it or not. So, ladies, this blog is dedicated to you and your ridiculous attempts at finding love on Tinder.  I present to you, the most stereotypical Tinder profiles.

Let's start with the types of pictures:

Multiple pictures with your similar looking friends

    

When Tinder becomes a game of "Where's Waldo." There have been a number of times that I really have no idea whose profile it actually is.  I am also assuming that you are the ugliest one of your friends and that's why you are using this tactic (wah). If you could put an arrow pointing to yourself, that'd be great.

All obnoxious selfies

I get it, you LOVE yourself. I have a serious question though. Do you just sit at home and take pictures of yourself all day? How many do you actually take before you decide on the perfect one? The best are the ones where the phone is blocking the girl's face. WTF is the point of that? Also, if you're going to spend all of your time on taking selfies, please do us all a favor and clean your dirty-ass mirror.


Artsy/model pic of you not looking at camera

This is similar to selfies, but deserves a category of its own.  More pretentious in my opinion. Stop trying to be so dramatic, making a picture of yourself black and white is not artistic or edgy.  It's an Instagram filter. I always wonder what girls are actually looking at in these photos.  What is so fascinating about the floor? Are you staring into space?  Are you pondering life?  Thinking about your next slice of pizza?  Why so serious?

Picture with dog 

Some things in life are certain: death, taxes, and dogs on Tinder. This one never fails.  If a girl has a dog in their life, guaranteed it will be in their Tinder profile.  While I do love dogs and appreciate the bribe, you having a dog does not improve your chances.  It just means I'll get stuck walking it and picking up its shit.  Also, small dogs are stupid.


Picture of you at the gym

Can't go to the gym without taking a selfie, right?  If everyone doesn't know you were at the gym, it didn't actually happen.  That's how things work these days.  You get swoll and document every second of it. Does anyone actually work out at the gym anymore, or is it just people taking pictures in the mirror?


Picture of you after a Tough Mudder

OK, show-off.  Congratulations you try-hard. Never understood why people pay money to do those races.  Oh yeah, it's so they can post about it on social media.

Every picture is you and your girls at the club

I don’t think I can afford to hang out with you, plain and simple.  These are also the same girls who wear pounds of make-up and have eyebrows that look they were stained on with a huge paintbrush.  You can buy your own Long Island Ice Teas, toots.  I'll be on my couch waiting for my pizza and garlic knots to get here.

Picture of you in a bikini

I am totally fine with these, keep 'em coming.

Moving on.  Now that we have covered the stereotypical pictures on Tinder, let's look at the bio section.  Here are some common phrases and characteristics that I see on a regular basis:


"Live, Laugh, Love"

Puke, puke, puke.  This is by far the most common thing on girls' Tinder profiles.  How very deep of you. How brave of you to live this lifestyle. It's a given that the same girls who have this in their Tinder profile have a sign with the same phrase hanging on the wall wherever they live.  Just means that your life has no true meaning so you have to pretend to validate it with three words.  Makes zero sense.


"Fluent in sarcasm"

I've never heard anyone say this anywhere else but Tinder.  If you're a sarcastic person, I don't think you need to announce it like this.  I never thought I would call a girl a "tool", but if you have this in your profile, you're kind of a tool.  Like when a so-called humble person calls them self humble.  Ok, douche. 


"NO HOOKUPS!"

This one might be my favorite.  Really sets the tone of the type of girl you are dealing with right away. Yes, Tinder started as a hookup app and has evolved into a platform that can certainly lead to much more.  I am not criticizing that.  The funny thing is, the girl that has "NO HOOKUPS" (yes, usually in all caps) in their profile is the same girl that has very seductive/scantily clad photos right above it.  Just a head's up, any time a guy sees this phrase in your profile, it's not going to stop him from pursuing it. All he's thinking is, "challenge accepted."  You can't have your cake and eat it too. 


25 emojis in a row without any words

Words are overrated. 2016, a time when adults talk to each other in little pictures like a fucking child. What a time to be alive.


"God first"

**Immediately swipes left**.  Jesus freaks on Tinder are fun to mess with though. I have been known to message these girls (on the rare occasion we match) and ask them, "Would God approve of you being on Tinder?" It must be such a mindfuck for them, or that's what I hope, considering I've only gotten ignored after saying this.


"I'm looking for something real"

Considering this may be the most superficial way of meeting someone, I think you're in the wrong place.  


"My friend made me do this"

If you really didn't want to be here, you wouldn't be here.  Don't put this on your friend.  Just admit that you're on here to get some strange.


"I only swiped right for your dog" or "must love dogs"

Here come the dog chicks again.  They are everywhere. Anyone have a dog I can borrow? Asking for a friend...


"Follow me on IG/Snapchat"

Good one.  You're in luck, since the only reason I am here is to validate your online persona.


"No fuckboys" or "fuck boys swipe left"

Another millennial term, and I still have no idea what it means.  These go hand-in-hand with "assholes swipe left." Guess what, if you're an asshole, you'll see that and purposely swipe right. That's what assholes do.  I couldn't tell you what fuckboys do, but apparently there are a lot of them out there.


And to conclude this blog, I must end it the way 90% of girls' Tinder profiles end, with cliche Marilyn Monroe quotes:

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

"Give a girl the right pair of shoes and she'll conquer the world."

“We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle."

"Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together."


Girls, although I have a deep affection for Marilyn Monroe because we share the same birthday, she was not a philosopher. She was famous for being a dumb blonde, and kind of a hoe.

Moral of the story, stop humble-bragging and get over yourselves.  I'll see you all on Bumble.