"I'll never use Tinder or any online dating app."
- me like 3 years ago
I never thought I'd use one of these apps, but here I am navigating the weird world of Tinder.
As per usual on this blog, let's first get the top Urban Dictionary definition:
TOP DEFINITION
Dating app. Tinder is the McDonalds for sex.
Nah, she's not my girlfriend, she's just a Tinder.
Now that you are aware of exactly what Tinder is, let's discuss. There is way less of a stigma on online dating these days, it really is normal for people to use it, or at least try it. If you're single, I honestly don't know why you wouldn't give it a shot. It's the definition of playing the field and "seeing what's out there."
** SPOILER ALERT **
Let's get right to it. Let's be honest with ourselves here: most Tinder swiping is done on the toilet. Super romantic, right? If you have any expectations, you're doing it wrong. And, you'll most likely be disappointed. Don't expect to find love, don't expect to find your stupid "bae". Expect to have really strange and awkward conversations with people you will most likely never end up meeting in person.
Newsflash ladies, this is every guy on Tinder:
Don't get mad, someone had to break the news to you. You really just need to find the humor in it. When you do stop and read a girl's profile, you definitely notice a few patterns. The stereotypes are true whether you like it or not. So, ladies, this blog is dedicated to you and your ridiculous attempts at finding love on Tinder. I present to you, the most stereotypical Tinder profiles.
Let's start with the types of pictures:
Multiple pictures with your similar looking friends
When Tinder becomes a game of "Where's Waldo." There have been a number of times that I really have no idea whose profile it actually is. I am also assuming that you are the ugliest one of your friends and that's why you are using this tactic (wah). If you could put an arrow pointing to yourself, that'd be great.
All obnoxious selfies
I get it, you LOVE yourself. I have a serious question though. Do you just sit at home and take pictures of yourself all day? How many do you actually take before you decide on the perfect one? The best are the ones where the phone is blocking the girl's face. WTF is the point of that? Also, if you're going to spend all of your time on taking selfies, please do us all a favor and clean your dirty-ass mirror.
Artsy/model pic of you not looking at camera
This is similar to selfies, but deserves a category of its own. More pretentious in my opinion. Stop trying to be so dramatic, making a picture of yourself black and white is not artistic or edgy. It's an Instagram filter. I always wonder what girls are actually looking at in these photos. What is so fascinating about the floor? Are you staring into space? Are you pondering life? Thinking about your next slice of pizza? Why so serious?
Picture with dog
Some things in life are certain: death, taxes, and dogs on Tinder. This one never fails. If a girl has a dog in their life, guaranteed it will be in their Tinder profile. While I do love dogs and appreciate the bribe, you having a dog does not improve your chances. It just means I'll get stuck walking it and picking up its shit. Also, small dogs are stupid.
Picture of you at the gym
Can't go to the gym without taking a selfie, right? If everyone doesn't know you were at the gym, it didn't actually happen. That's how things work these days. You get swoll and document every second of it. Does anyone actually work out at the gym anymore, or is it just people taking pictures in the mirror?
Picture of you after a Tough Mudder
OK, show-off. Congratulations you try-hard. Never understood why people pay money to do those races. Oh yeah, it's so they can post about it on social media.
Every picture is you and your girls at the club
I don’t think I can afford to hang out with you, plain and simple. These are also the same girls who wear pounds of make-up and have eyebrows that look they were stained on with a huge paintbrush. You can buy your own Long Island Ice Teas, toots. I'll be on my couch waiting for my pizza and garlic knots to get here.
Picture of you in a bikini
Picture of you in a bikini
I am totally fine with these, keep 'em coming.
Moving on. Now that we have covered the stereotypical pictures on Tinder, let's look at the bio section. Here are some common phrases and characteristics that I see on a regular basis:
"Live, Laugh, Love"
Puke, puke, puke. This is by far the most common thing on girls' Tinder profiles. How very deep of you. How brave of you to live this lifestyle. It's a given that the same girls who have this in their Tinder profile have a sign with the same phrase hanging on the wall wherever they live. Just means that your life has no true meaning so you have to pretend to validate it with three words. Makes zero sense.
"Fluent in sarcasm"
I've never heard anyone say this anywhere else but Tinder. If you're a sarcastic person, I don't think you need to announce it like this. I never thought I would call a girl a "tool", but if you have this in your profile, you're kind of a tool. Like when a so-called humble person calls them self humble. Ok, douche.
"NO HOOKUPS!"
This one might be my favorite. Really sets the tone of the type of girl you are dealing with right away. Yes, Tinder started as a hookup app and has evolved into a platform that can certainly lead to much more. I am not criticizing that. The funny thing is, the girl that has "NO HOOKUPS" (yes, usually in all caps) in their profile is the same girl that has very seductive/scantily clad photos right above it. Just a head's up, any time a guy sees this phrase in your profile, it's not going to stop him from pursuing it. All he's thinking is, "challenge accepted." You can't have your cake and eat it too.
25 emojis in a row without any words
Words are overrated. 2016, a time when adults talk to each other in little pictures like a fucking child. What a time to be alive.
"God first"
**Immediately swipes left**. Jesus freaks on Tinder are fun to mess with though. I have been known to message these girls (on the rare occasion we match) and ask them, "Would God approve of you being on Tinder?" It must be such a mindfuck for them, or that's what I hope, considering I've only gotten ignored after saying this.
"I'm looking for something real"
Considering this may be the most superficial way of meeting someone, I think you're in the wrong place.
"My friend made me do this"
If you really didn't want to be here, you wouldn't be here. Don't put this on your friend. Just admit that you're on here to get some strange.
"I only swiped right for your dog" or "must love dogs"
Here come the dog chicks again. They are everywhere. Anyone have a dog I can borrow? Asking for a friend...
"Follow me on IG/Snapchat"
Good one. You're in luck, since the only reason I am here is to validate your online persona.
"No fuckboys" or "fuck boys swipe left"
Another millennial term, and I still have no idea what it means. These go hand-in-hand with "assholes swipe left." Guess what, if you're an asshole, you'll see that and purposely swipe right. That's what assholes do. I couldn't tell you what fuckboys do, but apparently there are a lot of them out there.
And to conclude this blog, I must end it the way 90% of girls' Tinder profiles end, with cliche Marilyn Monroe quotes:
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
"Give a girl the right pair of shoes and she'll conquer the world."
“We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle."
"Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
Girls, although I have a deep affection for Marilyn Monroe because we share the same birthday, she was not a philosopher. She was famous for being a dumb blonde, and kind of a hoe.
Moral of the story, stop humble-bragging and get over yourselves. I'll see you all on Bumble.
Moving on. Now that we have covered the stereotypical pictures on Tinder, let's look at the bio section. Here are some common phrases and characteristics that I see on a regular basis:
"Live, Laugh, Love"
Puke, puke, puke. This is by far the most common thing on girls' Tinder profiles. How very deep of you. How brave of you to live this lifestyle. It's a given that the same girls who have this in their Tinder profile have a sign with the same phrase hanging on the wall wherever they live. Just means that your life has no true meaning so you have to pretend to validate it with three words. Makes zero sense.
"Fluent in sarcasm"
I've never heard anyone say this anywhere else but Tinder. If you're a sarcastic person, I don't think you need to announce it like this. I never thought I would call a girl a "tool", but if you have this in your profile, you're kind of a tool. Like when a so-called humble person calls them self humble. Ok, douche.
"NO HOOKUPS!"
This one might be my favorite. Really sets the tone of the type of girl you are dealing with right away. Yes, Tinder started as a hookup app and has evolved into a platform that can certainly lead to much more. I am not criticizing that. The funny thing is, the girl that has "NO HOOKUPS" (yes, usually in all caps) in their profile is the same girl that has very seductive/scantily clad photos right above it. Just a head's up, any time a guy sees this phrase in your profile, it's not going to stop him from pursuing it. All he's thinking is, "challenge accepted." You can't have your cake and eat it too.
25 emojis in a row without any words
Words are overrated. 2016, a time when adults talk to each other in little pictures like a fucking child. What a time to be alive.
"God first"
**Immediately swipes left**. Jesus freaks on Tinder are fun to mess with though. I have been known to message these girls (on the rare occasion we match) and ask them, "Would God approve of you being on Tinder?" It must be such a mindfuck for them, or that's what I hope, considering I've only gotten ignored after saying this.
"I'm looking for something real"
Considering this may be the most superficial way of meeting someone, I think you're in the wrong place.
"My friend made me do this"
If you really didn't want to be here, you wouldn't be here. Don't put this on your friend. Just admit that you're on here to get some strange.
"I only swiped right for your dog" or "must love dogs"
Here come the dog chicks again. They are everywhere. Anyone have a dog I can borrow? Asking for a friend...
"Follow me on IG/Snapchat"
Good one. You're in luck, since the only reason I am here is to validate your online persona.
"No fuckboys" or "fuck boys swipe left"
Another millennial term, and I still have no idea what it means. These go hand-in-hand with "assholes swipe left." Guess what, if you're an asshole, you'll see that and purposely swipe right. That's what assholes do. I couldn't tell you what fuckboys do, but apparently there are a lot of them out there.
And to conclude this blog, I must end it the way 90% of girls' Tinder profiles end, with cliche Marilyn Monroe quotes:
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
"Give a girl the right pair of shoes and she'll conquer the world."
“We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle."
"Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
Girls, although I have a deep affection for Marilyn Monroe because we share the same birthday, she was not a philosopher. She was famous for being a dumb blonde, and kind of a hoe.
Moral of the story, stop humble-bragging and get over yourselves. I'll see you all on Bumble.
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