Should Tim Tebow Try Hockey Next?

This guy really thinks he can play any pro sport. Tim Tebow is the real-life version of Happy Gilmore (the hockey player), and it's getting sad. He thinks he's good at football, but actually sucks. Now he's convinced he can play pro baseball, except he's awful at that sport too. 

But guess what? He's a competitor. He's kind of a winner and a loser at the same time though. He won the Heisman Trophy and two National Championships in college. He won a playoff game in the NFL. Yet, he's also a Jesus freak and delusional ego-maniac who has the balls the size of Jupiter thinking that he can go pro in a sport he hasn't played since high school. He's 29! Think about how many people you knew who were good at sports in high school.  OK, think about what they're doing now.

But, Tim Tebow is in luck. Since he so desperately needs to stay in the spotlight, I have a suggestion for him: lace up a pair of skates and try playing hockey. Word on the street is that he was a mean street hockey player back when he was 11 years old. Just kidding, but I'm sure you can make him think that.  I mean, he does believe in God, after all, so he's clearly brain-washable.

If he can skate, the Devils could use some help on defense. I can see him as a stay-at-home type whose also a bruiser on the boards. You know he works hard. You know he'll bring leadership and discipline no matter what his skill level is.  He knows how to take the body and probably has decent balance being a quarterback his whole life.  Right?  I know, this plan is flawless.

Is New Jersey conservative enough for him? Who cares. Can he kneel down and pray on skates without falling? I don't know.  What I do know is that "Tebow on Ice" would be must-watch TV.  That guy puts asses in the seats no matter what.  So, Tim, if you're reading this, I got you.  I'll be your coach.  So what if the highest level of hockey I ever played was in a men's league.  Hey, you try playing ice hockey after having a few beers before the game.  I can teach you, Timmy.  You don't need Jesus anymore, you need Jonny Pepperoni.

Never forget...

Put Your Feet Away

I need to address the elephant in the room that everyone seems to be conveniently ignoring. Consider this a public service announcement with the purpose of raising awareness. OK, here it goes.

Feet are weird. And repulsive. Don't believe me? Take a second and look down at your own set of paws right now. Take a really good look. I'll wait here.

Welcome back from that adventure. Pretty nauseating, right? That's right.  Here's the thing with feet. They're like hands, but with special needs. Toes are just fingers with stunted growth. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a case of Podophobia (the fear of feet) either. I'm not afraid, I'm just disgusted. This isn't on my level of hating mayonnaise, but close. I just don’t want to look at or be near feet.  Ever.

First of all, they are dirty AF. It's still summertime, so people's feet are out in full force, and it's gross. I hate flip-flops with a passion. The only place I need to see your feet is in a sock. Stop flaunting your grimy, germ-carrying hooves around. Wearing flip-flops is a careless and selfish act if if you ask me. Not to mention, it's just lazy. Why don't you just wear your slippers all day? Flip-flops are the sweatpants of footwear. There, I said it.

Oh, and dudes who wear flip-flops? Don't even get me started. If you're a guy who wears flip-flops, I automatically assume that you give the weakest, floppy fish handshakes. You don't see me parading my hairy feet around. Have some respect for yourself as a man.  It's bad enough that most females wear them and you have to hear that annoying smacking noise constantly when they walk. Click-clack-click-clack. ALL SUMMER LONG. The worst. Even if you can't see them, you can hear them. Hey, why don't you just drag your fingernails down a chalkboard while you're at it?

Luckily, the summer is coming to an end, and so is flip-flop season. It sucks because the warm weather won't last, but great because people will start to put their vile feet away and start wearing regular shoes again. Thank god. What do people have against socks? They're fun. For instance, check out my sock collection: 

Hot dog socks.  Hockey socks.  Socks for America.  Socks with your favorite team.  Socks with your favorite plant.  The list goes on. See, it's fun.  If you don't like socks, you don't like fun!

Please, just do everyone a favor and put your ugly feet away already. Please.