I'm 26 years old and still think farting is funny. Probably my favorite thing about work because work is old people shit. Let's be honest, we are all just pretending to be adults. People won't say that because they are soooo mature and have wives and husbands and kids and mortgages and shit. But I'll say it. In my first edition of Case of the Mondays, I'll explore farting in the office.
According to Wikipedia, most people fart between 8-20 times a day on average. That doesn't seem like that many times to me, I go way over that daily. Is that bad? I am finally above average at something at least. It's Monday, and I ate a lot of crap this weekend. So, it's fair to say I was closer to a 100 butt sneezes today.
Everyone farts. It's natural. But at work, it's different. You can't just drop bombs like you're at home in a pair of sweats. Depending on where you work, you may be able to fart more freely than other workplaces. No matter what, farting is the common denominator. When you work in an office, it's tricky. It's really an art form.
Your main goal when you work in any office is to keep a low profile, in every capacity. Don't do too much, but don't do too little. Don't try to seem too important, but don't make yourself seem expendable. And don't kiss anyone's ass. It shows weakness. You can be a nice guy, just don't be too nice. Maybe grow a mustache to assert your authority (you're on your own, women).
Anyways, the same goes for farting, you want to keep a low profile for obvious reasons. You'll never shake a reputation as the guy who farts. Not that I know anything about that. It also depends on the situation. Do you want to be a fart ninja? Do you want to fart directly into someone's face? How lazy are you feeling that day? Have you given up all self-respect? So many options. But, holding it in is definitely not one of them. That's unhealthy.
Safest place to cut the cheese is always going to be in the bathroom, if you can get there in time. Unless the bathroom is right next to your desk, you probably have a bit of a walk to get there. So, it's not really practical to walk to the bathroom every single time you need to fire off a one-gun salute (or multiple). This is where your creativity comes in.
The laziest option is to just rip ass at your desk with reckless abandon. try spreading your cheeks as much as possible, lean to the side and to just let it out with no sound.
Warning: be careful when wearing headphones at your desk. A lot of times you get in the zone and completely block out all other noise. This puts you deeper into your comfort zone aka your couch at home. If you get too deep into that comfort zone banging away on your keyboard getting shit done, getting really into Billy Joel "Piano Man", you're bound to let one rip, not thinking twice. You've been warned.
Yes, I have sneeze-farted at work. At least once a week. So much dust, I'm sneezing 10 times a day easy, it's only bound to happen.
I should have been a teacher so I could blame the students.
Never forget...
Anyways, the same goes for farting, you want to keep a low profile for obvious reasons. You'll never shake a reputation as the guy who farts. Not that I know anything about that. It also depends on the situation. Do you want to be a fart ninja? Do you want to fart directly into someone's face? How lazy are you feeling that day? Have you given up all self-respect? So many options. But, holding it in is definitely not one of them. That's unhealthy.
Safest place to cut the cheese is always going to be in the bathroom, if you can get there in time. Unless the bathroom is right next to your desk, you probably have a bit of a walk to get there. So, it's not really practical to walk to the bathroom every single time you need to fire off a one-gun salute (or multiple). This is where your creativity comes in.
Your safest option is crop-dusting. Leave that trail of stench behind for someone else to deal with. If you do this correctly, no one will know who did it. I recommend doing it in a stairwell, the mailroom or even the kitchen if you desperately need to let out the death breath. Or, walk through another department where no one really knows you and let that anal volcano breath. By the time you're out of there, the damage has been done and you're already gone from the scene of the crime. Just be careful not to walk directly in front of anyone and blow your cover. See what I did there?
If you really want to be stealthy, have a go-to office (that's not your own). This works for me because I don't have one of my own. Act like you are making an important phone call so that you need to step into an office and close the door. Do you know how many fake "important" phone calls I make everyday? If anyone asks, you say it's your landlord or your mother. No one questions that.
If you want to be a straight up asshole, just walk in to someone's office while they are in there and drop the bomb. This is typically a less subtle option, but whose going to to call you out on that? Whoever smelt it, dealt it!
If you really want to be stealthy, have a go-to office (that's not your own). This works for me because I don't have one of my own. Act like you are making an important phone call so that you need to step into an office and close the door. Do you know how many fake "important" phone calls I make everyday? If anyone asks, you say it's your landlord or your mother. No one questions that.
If you want to be a straight up asshole, just walk in to someone's office while they are in there and drop the bomb. This is typically a less subtle option, but whose going to to call you out on that? Whoever smelt it, dealt it!
The laziest option is to just rip ass at your desk with reckless abandon. try spreading your cheeks as much as possible, lean to the side and to just let it out with no sound.
Warning: be careful when wearing headphones at your desk. A lot of times you get in the zone and completely block out all other noise. This puts you deeper into your comfort zone aka your couch at home. If you get too deep into that comfort zone banging away on your keyboard getting shit done, getting really into Billy Joel "Piano Man", you're bound to let one rip, not thinking twice. You've been warned.
Yes, I have sneeze-farted at work. At least once a week. So much dust, I'm sneezing 10 times a day easy, it's only bound to happen.
I should have been a teacher so I could blame the students.
Never forget...
