Should Tim Tebow Try Hockey Next?

This guy really thinks he can play any pro sport. Tim Tebow is the real-life version of Happy Gilmore (the hockey player), and it's getting sad. He thinks he's good at football, but actually sucks. Now he's convinced he can play pro baseball, except he's awful at that sport too. 

But guess what? He's a competitor. He's kind of a winner and a loser at the same time though. He won the Heisman Trophy and two National Championships in college. He won a playoff game in the NFL. Yet, he's also a Jesus freak and delusional ego-maniac who has the balls the size of Jupiter thinking that he can go pro in a sport he hasn't played since high school. He's 29! Think about how many people you knew who were good at sports in high school.  OK, think about what they're doing now.

But, Tim Tebow is in luck. Since he so desperately needs to stay in the spotlight, I have a suggestion for him: lace up a pair of skates and try playing hockey. Word on the street is that he was a mean street hockey player back when he was 11 years old. Just kidding, but I'm sure you can make him think that.  I mean, he does believe in God, after all, so he's clearly brain-washable.

If he can skate, the Devils could use some help on defense. I can see him as a stay-at-home type whose also a bruiser on the boards. You know he works hard. You know he'll bring leadership and discipline no matter what his skill level is.  He knows how to take the body and probably has decent balance being a quarterback his whole life.  Right?  I know, this plan is flawless.

Is New Jersey conservative enough for him? Who cares. Can he kneel down and pray on skates without falling? I don't know.  What I do know is that "Tebow on Ice" would be must-watch TV.  That guy puts asses in the seats no matter what.  So, Tim, if you're reading this, I got you.  I'll be your coach.  So what if the highest level of hockey I ever played was in a men's league.  Hey, you try playing ice hockey after having a few beers before the game.  I can teach you, Timmy.  You don't need Jesus anymore, you need Jonny Pepperoni.

Never forget...

Put Your Feet Away

I need to address the elephant in the room that everyone seems to be conveniently ignoring. Consider this a public service announcement with the purpose of raising awareness. OK, here it goes.

Feet are weird. And repulsive. Don't believe me? Take a second and look down at your own set of paws right now. Take a really good look. I'll wait here.

Welcome back from that adventure. Pretty nauseating, right? That's right.  Here's the thing with feet. They're like hands, but with special needs. Toes are just fingers with stunted growth. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a case of Podophobia (the fear of feet) either. I'm not afraid, I'm just disgusted. This isn't on my level of hating mayonnaise, but close. I just don’t want to look at or be near feet.  Ever.

First of all, they are dirty AF. It's still summertime, so people's feet are out in full force, and it's gross. I hate flip-flops with a passion. The only place I need to see your feet is in a sock. Stop flaunting your grimy, germ-carrying hooves around. Wearing flip-flops is a careless and selfish act if if you ask me. Not to mention, it's just lazy. Why don't you just wear your slippers all day? Flip-flops are the sweatpants of footwear. There, I said it.

Oh, and dudes who wear flip-flops? Don't even get me started. If you're a guy who wears flip-flops, I automatically assume that you give the weakest, floppy fish handshakes. You don't see me parading my hairy feet around. Have some respect for yourself as a man.  It's bad enough that most females wear them and you have to hear that annoying smacking noise constantly when they walk. Click-clack-click-clack. ALL SUMMER LONG. The worst. Even if you can't see them, you can hear them. Hey, why don't you just drag your fingernails down a chalkboard while you're at it?

Luckily, the summer is coming to an end, and so is flip-flop season. It sucks because the warm weather won't last, but great because people will start to put their vile feet away and start wearing regular shoes again. Thank god. What do people have against socks? They're fun. For instance, check out my sock collection: 

Hot dog socks.  Hockey socks.  Socks for America.  Socks with your favorite team.  Socks with your favorite plant.  The list goes on. See, it's fun.  If you don't like socks, you don't like fun!

Please, just do everyone a favor and put your ugly feet away already. Please.

A Tribute to Bradley Nowell

Sublime is my favorite band of all-time, and Bradley Nowell is my favorite singer.  20 years ago today, Nowell died of a drug overdose. Dying just two months before the release of Sublime's self-titled major label debut album in 1996, it's a case of another creative artist gone too soon in the world of music.  The album put Sublime on the map, but he was already gone.  He would never see the success that the band was destined for.  

Nowell's death at a young age is reminiscent to that of Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Bob Marley, Jim Morrison, or Kurt Cobain in that his stock rose even more when he died.  For some reason, there is a certain mystique about someone's music when they die.  In Nowell's case, it's actually eery.  He even predicted his own demise: "One day I'm going to lose the war," he sang in 1994 on the song Pool Shark.  The point here isn't to glamorize his death, it's to celebrate his music.

Sublime was a little before my time. I was only 7 when their famous album dropped. For me, the band opened doors to music that I had never heard before. Bradley Nowell introduced me to reggae. To Bob Marley and The Wailers, to the Toots and the Maytals, to Peter Tosh.  He introduced me to punk.  To Green Day and Blink-182. He introduced me to psychedelic rock. To the Grateful Dead. To the Doors. He introduced me to ska.  He changed the way I think hip hop. He opened my eyes and my ears. You name the genre, and I'll show you a Sublime song that covers it.  Brad Nowell was a true innovator, and he was one-of-a-kind.

I have seen both Sublime with Rome and Badfish each on multiple occasions. While they both do a great job of keeping Bradley Nowell's spirit alive, they are cover bands and nothing more. Without Bradley Nowell, there is no Sublime. The band died with Bradley in that hotel room, but not the music, which lives on to transcend time today.

Nowell had admitted that he began using heroin to feel larger than life. While his music and subsequent death shouldn't eulogize drug use, it does characterize the danger and perils of addiction, an issue that is still front and center in our society 20 years later. Sublime's music is more relevant than ever and lives on thanks to him. Today, we pour one out and light one up for Bradley.

Public Service Announcement: Your and You're

I am by no means the grammar police, but somebody has to do this.  Too many people are mixing up the usage of "your" and "you're" with no regard for humanity.  We learned this in middle school, people.  Here is a refresher for about 75% of the population who has forgotten the difference between the two words  If this offends you, grow up.

You're = You are

Example: You're an idiot.

Your = belonging to or associated with

Example: Your grammar is terrible.

If it's still not clicking for you, here's a step by step guide.

Your welcome. 

JOKE!

A little nap on your lunch break never hurts

It's Tuesday, so I'm already mentally checked-out from work for the week.  I've already had three cups of coffee.  But, for some reason I'm still tired.  Or, let's say hypothetically that I was drinking last night and I'm hungover. What's my solution?  Take a nap.  Yes, take naps at work, I highly recommend it.  I'm not saying you should do this everyday.  But if you're tired, it makes perfect sense.  What's the alternative?  Try to stay awake for the rest of the day?  Eff that.  Taking a nap in the middle of the day is a great thing:  you'll be more productive and in a better mood.  It's science.  

I know what you're thinking...

"I could never do that"

"Napping is frowned upon at work"

"Where would I even nap?"

Shut up and stop being high maintenance. 

Unless you have your own office, your car is a perfectly good napping haven.  Park it in the back corner of your parking lot, out of sight.  Set your alarm, put on some low, soothing music, recline your seat, throw on your sunglasses and close your eyes.  You're not here to take a 2 hour nap. I'm talking half hour type deal, you do have to go back to work, after all.  It just enough time to recharge your batteries for the afternoon.

DISCLAIMER:  5 out 10 times I actually end up being more tired because I really needed a two hour nap, but i'll take those odds.  

Sometimes I really wish I had the George Costanza set up...

via GIPHY

I am not good at using a microwave

I can never get food to be the right temperature when I put it in the microwave.  Seriously, every time.  Does anyone else have this problem?  I had to reheat my leftovers tonight three times.  What am I doing wrong?

Microwave are such assholes.  Your food is always either too hot or too cold, there is no happy medium. It starts making that popping noise like it's about to explode, so you turn it off thinking your food MUST be done, right?  Wrong.  The plate/bowl is so hot you can't even touch it, but your food is still ice cold.  So frustrating!  Then, you overcompensate for how cold your food is when you turn it back on and end up burning it.  If someone can teach me, a 26-year old adult, how to use the microwave, that'd be great.

Also, if you ever come over my house and use the microwave, don't smell the inside of it.  Don't say I didn't warn you. You're welcome.

Should Patrik Elias retire?

With the Devils season now over, Patrik Elias has a decision to make.  Should he retire, or try and come back for one more season?

Just read this, Elias is reconsidering his future after a nice little return for the last three games of the year.  Does that mean that he planned on retiring? I think all of us Devils fans were thinking this was going to be his last year.  He turns 40 this Wednesday and only played 16 games this year.  I'm torn.

I believe that if a player thinks he still has gas left in the tank, go for it. The question is, does he actually have anything left in the tank, and if so, does he fit in the Devils' future? If he does try and come back next year, there is no promise that it would be with New Jersey. The Devils are in the process of rebuilding and are trying to get younger, not older.  He's no better than a 3rd line player these days and he would have to take a big pay cut to remain a Devil.  Could he even stay healthy for a full season?

I would say it all depends on what the Devils plan on doing this offseason.  Young guys like Boucher and Blandisi have proved that they can be full-time NHL players.  Pavel Zacha and newly-signed Miles Wood will have a good chance of making the team next year.  Mike Sislo had a big year for Albany and will challenge for a full-time spot in the lineup next year.  The Devante Smith-Pelly trade is looking better and better everyday.  For the first time in a long-time, the Devils have some good, young talent in the pipeline.  This doesn't even include any potential moves/signings that Ray Shero makes in the off-season.

Where does that leave Elias?  He's not going to stick around to play on the 4th line.  That wouldn't be fair either way. It's similar to Brodeur in his last season.  You don't want to see a Devils legend leave and play for another team.  I never want to see Elias wear another NHL sweater, the same way I never wanted Brodeur to leave. But, you don't want to hold onto him just for nostalgic reasons and end up disrupting both the present and future of the team.

If Patrik Elias wants to return next year, he should.  If you were in his shoes and have a chance to play professional hockey for even one more year, do it.  Look at Jagr, he's having the time of his life and says he'll play til he's 50.  If you can still play, then play.  If the Devils decide that they don't want to sign Elias, I don't blame them.  I can see how he doesn't fit into their future.  And if Elias decides he wants to test free agency and try to play one more year with another team, no hard feelings.  

Regardless if he retires or not, his #26 jersey will be the next one retired and hanging at the Prudential Center.