In Defense of Mustaches

This weekend, I grilled steaks in the middle of a snowstorm.  I drove around in said snowstorm in my Jeep for fun.  I listened to classic rock while shoveling.  I drank coffee stouts.   I ate almost a whole package of bacon by myself.  I watched Cops and football. You call it not having a girlfriend, I call it manly and American.  You know what else are manly and American?  Mustaches.  

I decided I am bringing Mustaches back. It was my New Year's Resolution for 2016.  I am aiming REALLY big this year. 2016: The year of stache, the mo, the muzzy,the ole cookie duster, the crumb catcher, the Bristle Batons, the face furniture, the lip luggage.

Let's be honest, there's a stigma with mustaches. You know people are looking at it. Staring at it. Analyzing it. Judging it. But, it puts asses in the seats. It gets the people going. For example, let's discuss the reactions I have received at work. It started out not so bad actually:

"You look very distinguished."

"Dude, love it Miller."

Then it was kind of funny, everyone just having a good laugh:

"You're an asshole." 

"LOOK at YOU with that stache!" (white guy)

"Look at dat stache do'" (black guy)

"You look ridiculous. You look like a dad."

Then it just got weird:

"You need to shave that mustache. You look crazy"

"You're 26?  I thought you were like 40 with that mustache."

"I didn't even notice the stache OH MY GOD." *Laughs uncontrollably* "That is some perverted 70's porn star shit."

*shakes head* "You look like a pedophile"


I didn't realize that people would be so emotionally moved or critical for that matter.  It's my face!  Worry about your own stupid face.  

But, I digress.

It's not all negative though. My beer league hockey team (upper division, sup ladies) universally accepts and encourages its growth. Makes me feel fearless...until I'm back at work the next day. That's what I don't get; why am I vilified in the office, yet revered in the locker room? Mustaches, in my opinion, are magnificent. You can't tell me that either your dad or grandpa didn't have one at some point. Don't even try it because I know you're lying.

So, I decided to grow one. I'm bringing them back.  I'm putting it right in your face so you can't ignore it.

I know some people think "Oh, I can't take you seriously" and "Oh doesn't food get stuck in it?"

WRONG. Big time.


Number 1, they demand respect. They represent honor and dignity. They mean business. Do I look like I'm fucking around?

Number 2, food getting stuck in it? Umm, what's the problem? Joke's on you. They are great for saving food for later. Who doesn't love leftovers? Stache city baby.

With that, I would like to recognize the best mustaches of all time. Consider this visual proof of the gravity of mustaches in history.

Mark Twain

    

The mind behind Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn rocked what is known as a walrus mustache.  He sort of reminds me of a walrus because he's goofy looking and was a bad businessman.  Never do business with a walrus.

Twain also had a great sense of humor, one that still holds weight today:

"Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.”

or

“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”

Theodore Roosevelt

        

Teddyyyy.  May have been the coolest President, ever.  Youngest guy ever to hold that office.  Rough Rider.  War hero.  Author. Square Dealer.  Conservationist.  Nobel Peace Prize winner. The list goes on.  The freaking Teddy Bear was named after him.  Ever heard if it?  Mt. Rushmore, maybe you've heard of that too?

Look at the definition on that bad boy.  Is that technically the biggest mustache in the world?  Teddy FTW.

Yosemite Sam

The stache and dash was Yosemite Sam's move.  But, I'm still pissed about what the aliens did to him in Space Jam.  Not cool.

Burt Reynolds

Burt Reynolds is a little before my time movie-wise, but I know him from Boogie Nights, and of course, Celebrity Jeopardy (I know, I need to watch Deliverance and yes, I know that's really Norm MacDonald).  What can I say, Turd Ferguson, it's a funny name.

Alex Trebek

Did someone say Jeopardy!?

Answer: A game show host who had a bad-ass mustache and shaved it for no apparent reason.

Who is, Alex Trebek?

Alex Trebek eats candy bars and drinks soda for breakfast.  AMERICAN.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused

Alright, alright, alrightttt. Might be the sneaky best mustache of all time.  Thin, streamline, built for speed.

I can and will write an entire blog about Matthew McConaughey.  

Hulk Hogan

Listen BROTHER.  Big WWF fan growing up.  Not WWE, I'm talking back when wrestling was real!  Reaffirming just how American a mustache is, none other than Hulk Hogan.  You can't tell me his entrance doesn't get you pumped up to wear the red, white and blue:

By the way, Hulk Hogan is funny doing ANYTHING:

Playing guitar

Acting

Punching through boomboxes

Wrecking Balling

Back to the list...

Ron Burgundy

Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Swedish Chef

"Bork, bork, bork!" Swedish people must be PISSED considering this guy basically speaks gibberish. He and Swedish Fish are the only things I associate with the country. I love him though.  His finger look like chicken fries from Burger King.  Definitely tokes too. 

Salvador Dali

   

In 1954, Salvador Dali published a book dedicated exclusively to his mustache. Need I say more?  

Editor's Note:  I know that last two aren't American, but you aren't the editor.

Milk Mustache

   

   

   

This was really my only chance to include any females in the this blog, but milk mustaches certainly deserve some burn.  

Cheech

Of course, the Cheech and Chong movies were classics.  Tin Cup, anyone? The hyena in The Lion King?  That's what I call versatility, and a legendary mustache.

Monopoly Man

Has anyone EVER finished a game of Monopoly?  I'm pretty sure the Monopoly Man is trolling us all.  Oh, and his real name isn't the Monopoly Man, it's Rich Uncle Pennybags.  I'm not kidding.

The Stranger in The Big Lebowski (Sam Elliot)

I'm pretty sure he's supposed to be God in "The Big Lebowski".  His mustache is godly for sure.  If you've never seen this movie, you've probably never smoked weed either.  Or had a White Russian.  Mark it 8!

Freddie Mercury

There will never be another Freddie Mercury.  I'll leave it at that.  I recently heard the acapella version of "Under Pressure" after David Bowie's recent death.  In a world where the word "amazing" is thrown around all to liberally, his voice is nothing short of amazing.  Mustache ain't bad either.

***Honorable Mentions***

Ron Swanson

Don't care what his real name is, his name is Ron Swanson and he is a true American hero. Meat-eater. Woodworker. Government-hater. Ultimate man of the people. 

Lanny McDonald

C'mon, you think I would write a blog about mustaches and not at least include one hockey player? Lanny McDonald had the best. And, his nickname was "Machine Gun." That's a guy you want to grab a beer with, considering he has a beer named after his mustache, "Old 'Stache Porter". Plus, I love the throwback Colorado Rockies jerseys. 

George Parros

Alright, I couldn't help but throw another hockey player in here.  I could write a whole blog just on hockey players' facial hair.  Parros is a Jersey guy too so he's good in my book. He even has a clothing line called "Stache Gear," so I had to include him.

Keith Hernandez

    

I'm not a Mets fan, and I don't think of baseball when I think of Keith Hernandez. I think of Seinfeld when he dated Elaine and when he was sort of gay with Jerry and they had weird man crushes on each other.  There was also "the magic loogie" episode:

The home stretch...

Gary Dell'Abate 

Hello, Hello. This is for all the Howard Stern fans out there.  It is my goal to one day go to a golf tournament and yell "Baba Booey!" as a player tees off.  Also, if you have never heard Sour Shoes do his Gary impression, do yourself a favor and check it out.  In fact, listen to it neun times.

Carl Winslow

  

Too many Urkels on your team, that's why your wins low.  Token black guy of this blog.  

Charlie Chaplin 

   

It was either him or Hitler with that weird toothbrush mustache.  Actually, the only reason he's on here is so I could post this clip from Grandma's Boy:

Wilford Brimley

One word: Diabeetus.

Pringles

Question, does this guy even have a mouth?  Is he even able to enjoy Pringles?  This is the kind of stuff you think about when you are baked.  Also, pizza flavor are the best.

***BONUS***

Worst Mustache of All Time

Frida Kahlo

 

Classic example of a woman trying to do a man's job.  Stick to uni-brows, toots.


I know I left some people off this list, like Tom Selleck.  But, I don't give a shit about Tom Selleck. I also know that this blog probably made your phone/computer crash a couple times.  You're welcome. 

"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country." John F. Kennedy

Now, man up and grow a mustache.